Okay, so now you have your demeanor and swagger nailed, thanks to the rule of eights and a fabricated personality. But none of this really means anything unless you look the part!
In part two of Garbage Day’s Surefire Tips to Interview Success, we’ll show you how to grab control of that interview and ram it right home into the cushy financial security of your brand new job!
Tip #3: Do Look the Part
The Problem:
Let me make an assumption right off the bat: if you’re not a college student as we speak, you’re a recent college graduate. That is to say, Garbage Day’s readership consists primarily of men and women in their early 20′s with a middling degree of experience under their belt.
Know how I know this? If you had a decent job, you wouldn’t be reading online humor blogs. You’d be pouring through the New York Times and Wall Street Journal with your feet proped up on a human footstool.
this kid commands more respect than you
The Solution:
Listen to me and listen to me carefully: I want you to go to your nearest college campus. Survey the territory and find yourself a Subway (the sandwich shop, dimwit). See that booth outside? The one promising free sandwiches? I want you to go sign whatever they’re asking you to sign, eat that delicious sub and take whatever type of plastic card designed for monenetray transactions they give you.
Now go buy this:
how bad do you want this job? then shut up.
According to Forbes, the above is one of the most expensive suits you can find. I mean, I’m sure you could always plus it up with titanium buttons or small speakers woven into the lapels that plays the Stan Bush classic “Fight to Survive” on command. But I think the subtle nuance of wearing 70% of someones gross earnings on your person sends a simple enough message.
But wait, aren’t we forgetting the accouterments that tie this whole fabulous package together? Indeed. For no man is worth looking at if he doesn’t have the correct time piece. I personally prefer Hubolt’s “Big Bang Chronograph.”
if you have to ask the price, think about how much you truly want this job
Unlike so many rappers, you timepiece should act as the proverbial ace up the sleeve. As your interviewer prattles on and on with questions like “Did you hear anything I just said?” or “Sir, I told you Arby’s is not looking for an international sandwich ambassador and sexual liaison,” nonchalantly glance at your watch, bringing out the glory.
Much like accidentally catching a glimpse of this writer’s package at a public urinal, your interviewer will feel emasculated and shamed when he sees that you came here to play ball and he came here to get railroaded.
Finish off your 1-2 punch with a slight smile that suggests “you’re welcome,” as well as “can we finish this up? I have a 5:00 appointment to bang your sister.”
sorry i'm a bit late, your brother just wouldn't stop talking! shall we clear this desk off?
Tip #4: Don’t be Afraid to Ask Questions!
By now, you’ve got this thing wrapped up. The confident swagger, fueled by the power suit/wristwatch combo, solidified by the scotch sloshing around in your belly. But the last thing any interviewer is going to ask you is the dreaded “So do you have any questions for us?”
The Problem:
If you’ve done everything instructed here, there’s absolutely no reason why you would have had an iota of time to actually research your prospective employer’s to come up with hard-hitting questions. Furthermore, you really don’t give a shit, do you? After all the investment on $30,000 suits and high-class single malt scotch, do they really expect you to do anymore legwork? Hell, what have they done for you?
There’s an easy way to circumvent this curve ball, though…as easy as being the charming sonuvabitch you know you are.
The Solution:
Remember how earlier I said these people are your new family? It’s time to start treating them like that!
They’re your buds! There for you in the good times:
port-o-pong? bro, you so deserved that raise
and in the not-so-good times:
ed note: this looks pretty fucking awesome, but for the purpose of this article...
These people have your back when you make a ballsy business proposal, and they’re also the guys you’re gonna have a round with after work. So by god, this is your chance to show them that above all else, you’re one of the boys.
I recommend starting off with some simple questions like: “So how did a douchebag like you get this job?”
or maybe: “Would you mind showing me where your desk is? I just want to know where I’ll be sitting after I mop the floor with you ass.”
BUUUUUUURRRRRRRNED!
You get the idea, here. Be creative and most of all, let them know you can hold your own in this fast-paced business world.
Garbage Day wishes you the best of luck knows that luck has nothing to do with success. It all boils down to nice suits, scotch and calling people douchebags. Now get out there are find that dream job!
