This past weekend I celebrated my 27th birthday. Nothing too fancy, just a quiet evening with the parents, followed by a couple cocktails with close friends, followed by downing a snifter of Hennesey and all my plans for a quiet hangover-free birthday getting shoved right out the door.

Before all the shenanigans commenced, I found myself on the phone with my grandpa, having that time honored conversation that grandparents do with their grand kids: catching up, talking about how old I am and how young I was, asking if i got the card they sent (I did. Thanks! Snoopy is still my favorite!).

One thing did stand out in our whole conversation, though….

Grandpa: “So…27, eh?”

Me: “Yes sir!”

Grandpa: “Wow. I think you may be too old to enlist now.”

To enlist? Jesus! The thought never even crossed my mind, but as I told my friends this story we reflected on how truly bad ass our Grandparents were, in that they would sign up to become finely tuned killing machines in between sock hops and colored-only water fountains.

And do you know why there was a willingness to serve country? Because old recruitment ads were fucking bad ass.

example 1:

“Donald Gets Drafted” 1942

One of our most beloved childhood cartoon characters, Donald Duck, shows us that getting drafted is no big deal. In fact, at times it’s hilarious! Donald dances his way into the recruitment office to a catchy jingle. Did you pay attention to the lyrics?

“They got a lot of hostesses/ the gals are really cuties/ and entertaining these co eds is part of your regular duties!”

Holy shit! Awesome. Go get in shape, get three squares and a cot, fight the nips and jerry and top it all off with some indiscriminate hostess/stewardess/nurse banging.

After a few hilarious mishaps with ants, firearms and Donald’s drill Sargent brandishing a dual pair of brass knuckles, Donald falls in line and in further hilarity winds up peeling potatoes and remarking “phooey!’

HA! Better learn to toe the line there, Joe Everyman! You don’t want to wind up like Donald! Now get your ass in that recruitment office and get ready to die in a trench, miles away form everyone you’ve ever known and loved.

Example 2:

The Motherfucking Marines- 80′s?

These were by far the coolest ads to get people jazzed about the armed services.

Before we go any further, let me state my case…

HOLY SHIT! Can you imagine being some 19 year old kid mapping out an awesome quest for your next D&D party when suddenly Charles In Charge takes a commerical break and that shit comes on? Knights? Evil Wizards? Huge chess boards in a barren wasteland of combat-laden doom? Sign me the fuck up, already!

If that doesn’t appeal to you, try this shit on for size: in the Marines, you battle lava demons:

YES! YES YES YES! Suddenly your life is the greatest video game ever and you’re battling lava demons andthere’sthismagicalswordandyoucutthroughthelavademonandmagicallytransformohWOW!

This right here was the stuff that made warfare totally awesome. Not some stupid Godsmack song and dudes looking like badasses in the desert.

Case in point. Today’s recruitment ads:

Techno music? Dudes riding around in tanks and blowing shit up? Whatever. I am sorely underwhelmed. In no way does this make me want to take up arms against my fellow man.

So if anyone rom the military is reading this take note; if you want more able bodied men and women to put their lives on the line, incorporate the following items:

1. Cartoons.

2. The promise of sex.

3. Wizards and knights

4. Fucking LAVA DEMONS.

Do this, and I promise you we will end the current war (for a much bigger and more awesome one, I assure you). Not only that, but you’ll be producing the finest, most well rounded soliders any army could ask for

I want this guy on our side