You hear it all the time.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Just got dumped? “Everything happens for a reason.”

Didn’t get that promotion at work? “Everything happens for a reason!”

You get the idea. It seems that in our times of dire need, people are quick to dish out that old adage. For me, this glib piece of advice is something thrown out casually to get you to quit bitching about something.

Listen to the garbage being tossed around over at Dr. Irene’s Verbal Abuse Site. Mind you, the title is misleading: it’s not a place to dish out verbal abuse. Instead, the good doctor’s site aims to be a ” place for you if you think you may be in an abusive relationship.” And there’s fucking kittens EVERYWHERE.

Anyway, Dr. Irene (regarded as a hack in some circles), posted this lil nugget of wisdom:

“The successes and the downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from…In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.”

Well doc, I’m gonna stop you right there and call shenanigans. Cause now it’s time for….

Garbage Day’s Horrible Shit That Can Happen To You For No Reason Whatsoever Countdown Bonanza!!!!!!

there is no just and loving god! ahhhhhhh!

#4: Spontaneous Human Combustion

What It Is…

Spontaneous Human Combustion is widely credited as being discovered in 1966 by Dr. John Irving Bentley. How, you ask? By experiencing it firsthand. While Dr. Bentley was not able to report his findings as he was nothing more than a smoldering pile of ash by the time he was found, he ignited (zing!) the controversy surrounding the utterly pointless and totally awesome phenomenon of bursting into flames at a moment’s notice.

Bentley wasn’t the first, however. People had been exploding for no reason way before Bentley was a cinder in his father’s eye. In 1673, physician Thomas Bartholin observed the following:

“A poor woman at Paris used to drink spirit of wine plentifully for the space of three years, so as to take nothing else. Her body contracted such a combustible disposition, that one night she, lying down on a straw-couch, was all burned to ashes and smoke, except the scull and the extremities of her fingers.”

Damn!

But Why?

A couple theories surround why your body would go all human torch at a moment’s notice. Of the most horrifying is The Wick Effect. It basically proposes that, being the sweaty greasy bastard you are, your clothing absorbs your melted fat and act as a giant inside-out candle. From there on out a simple cigarette ash or spark of static electricity could light you up, with fire trying to get the energy stored in your man-boobs.

In 1996, science decided to stop being boring for a minute to test this theory out by wrapping a pig in a blanket and seeing what would happen.

Mind you, all possible theories and presumptions regarding spontaneous human combustion are just that: possible theories. Truth is, no one really knows…and those who might be able to offer more insight are too busy running around on fire screaming “OH GOD IT BURNS! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

Lesson Learned:

To paraphrase from American murderer Robert Alton Harris: “You can be a king a or a street sweeper, but everybody runs the chance of bursting into flame for absolutely no reason.”

# 3. Vanishing Off The Face Of The Earth

What It Is…

This one is pretty self-explanatory, folks. Usually, people who “vanish” are usually just the end product of people who know how to hide a body really, really well. This is probably the “spookiest” occurrence to make our list, but it still warrants discussion if only for being fucking awesome.

Take for instance, Gerry Rafferty. After a successful career as a musician and an equally successful career as an alcoholic, Rafferty was admitted to a hospital for treatment. On August 1, 2008, he was gone. All personal belongings remained and as of now, nobody has any idea where a 61-year-old publicly recognized musician could have gotten off to.

Since August, Rafferty has become something like a drunk, old, white Tupac. Sightings of him have poured in from all over. Still, with all the technology, police smarts and…well, face it, the guy is 61, no one has been able to find him.

Another case of falling off the face of the earth worth noting is Ambrose Bierce. After writing the kick ass short story An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge, Bierce did what any successful writer in his shoes would do: he joined up with Pancho Villa’s army and took up arms in the Mexican Revolution.

Oh, and he was also 71 years old at the time.

In some badass last words, Birece wrote to a friend:

“Good-bye — if you hear of my being stood up against a Mexican stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease, or falling down the cellar stairs. To be a Gringo in Mexico—ah, that is euthanasia!”

So, that could have happened too. At any rate, he was never seen or heard from again.

But Why?

In the case of Bierce, some speculate the he traveled to the Grand Canyon and shot himself in the head. Unfortunately, there’s no proof of this ever happening. Or any other speculation. Simply, vanishing off the face of the earth means exactly that: you leave no trace of your existence behind. Uplifting, eh?

If I were to subscribe to any theory, it would be the infinitely bad-ass version below:

Lesson Learned:

No credited source could be reached for comment. But if your grandpa vanishes, don’t waste your time making missing fliers. Dude is gone.

#2. Sudden Unexplained Death Syndrome

What It Is…

You fall asleep perfectly healthy. Then you die. The end.

Fortunately for you readers out there, SUDS is more prevalent among young men in the Philippines. So unless I’m sorely misjudging my readership, most of you should be in the clear.

Before you exhale a sigh of relief, I’d like to bring up the following…

But Why?

Details are sketchy at best, but some schools of thoughts suggest that a heavy dose of carbohydrates before bed can cause SUDS. Likewise, simply eating or drinking too much before sleeping can bring the curtain down on you.

To reiterate:

This

+

This

=

This

Lesson Learned:

Don’t ever sleep again. Seriously.

#1 . Pica

What It Is…

Ready for this? Sorry, but you’re not.

From Wikipedia:

“Pica is a medical disorder characterized by an appetite for largely non-nutritive substances (e.g., coal, soil, feces, chalk, paper, soap, mucus, ash, gum etc.)”

Yup. That hot slice of pizza? Pass. A nice slice of chocolate cake? Ewwww! Shit and dirt? Bring it on!

Pica is commonly found in children. Remember that kid in the back of class who was always eating paste? Vegas odds say that was the appetizer.

But that’s only the start. It also occurs in adults.

According to the above article, it is estimated up to 20% of pregnant women experience Pica. Think about that the next time your sweetie brings up having kids.

But Why?

As with everything else here, there are theories floating around. Some cite a lack of iron, while other studies suggest poor parent-child relationships. In the end, no one really knows. You poor shit-eating bastard.

Lesson Learned:

Next time you’re out with some friends and someone complains “this tastes like shit!” You can totally confirm/deny that statement.

Conclusion:

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Um, no. Sometimes people burst into flames, disappear, die in their sleep and crave feces for absolutely no discernible reason.

And you know what? They don’t get stronger or walk away better people, if they walk away at all. They simply learn that the earth is full of countless cruel wonders, ready to explode you or wipe away any trace of your existence just because. Or at the very least, give you an insatiable appetite for gravel.

So the next time someone pulls that trite statement out of the cliche closet, send up a prayer to the heavens that maybe they’ll spontaneously combust leaving nothing but a pile of ash. Cause hey, a free meal is a free meal.