I know things have been quiet around these parts for a while, and I feel that I owe our readership an explanation.

See, the whole idea behind Garbage Day was born out of crippling unemployment, insurmountable heartbreak and sinking into the depths of depression I never knew existed. I had all those things heaped upon me all at once, and I started writing here as an outlet. I took all the bad things in my life and used them as fodder. Most importantly, I wanted to write things for me- things that would make me laugh when I needed it most.

But now, the clouds have parted. I’m smiling more, the sun is out and the weight of life has been considerably lighter.  That said, I feel it would be a sham  and against the spirit of this blog to continue it….

Nah, I’m just fucking with you.

Wipe That Stupid Fucking Smile Off Your Face!

asshole

I know, things seem really good now. The nightmare that was my past year is over and I can look back on it with a fond chuckle, or if someone is having a bad day give a really impassioned “I’ve been there, man” speech.

There are some really great things about being at the bottom though. Like what, you ask? Like…

#1. Beer tastes better when you’re sad!

deeeeeeeelicious!

No two ways around it: when you’re down in the dumps, the sweet taste of Irish whiskey funnelling down your gullet is second to none. You know those nights where you get real loaded and feel great and forget about anything you have to do tomorrow?

That’s what drinking when you’re unemployed is like-every single day. You can get absolutely shitfaced on a Wednesday with zero consequences whatsoever. Literally, you get to live the drunken good life 24/7. And really, you have to.

Think about it like this: Every night you wake up (yes, that’s correct), you are faced with the reality of things. The sooner you drink, the sooner the world looks like this:

pictured: what life should look like

Instead of what it looks like every time the damning sunlight assaults your eyes:

so what was i doing? oh that's right, never being happy again...

Beer is no longer a luxury- it is a necessity to keep you from throwing yourself into the middle of fucking traffic every waking sober moment. And that type of salvation only comes in one flavor: awesome.

Now that you’re evened out, getting tossed no longer takes you to Margaritaville. Instead you just wind up in some unassuming ranch-style house in the suburbs. Yay.

ummm.

#2. Music sounds better!

When your life is in the shitter, it’s pretty obvious. Even my fucking gmail knows.

this is an actual screengrab from my inbox sidebar advertiser 8/12/08

And that’s why God created people like Howlin’ Wolf, Bob Dylan, Stephen Merritt and Ben Nichols. People who are able to go down into the saddness mines and come back up with carts full of raw, unrefined misery. And tons of dead canaries.

Later, that sadness is polished down into a beautiful album. Take a look at your music collection: is your favorite album one of the ones that got you through the hard times? There’s a good chance the answer is “yes.”

i need 10 cc's of alt-country sad-bastard music! stat!

Being on the outs in your love life doesn’t mean you’re not in a relationship…in fact you’re courting a whole new girl in album form. You get to know them, and in a way, they already know everything about you. There always there and always know just the right thing to say.

Until you don’t need them. Then you kick them aside in favor of some sunshiny pop bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, you still love them. But like having a child who loses the big game for their pee wee football team, you just love them a little less. Bastard.

laces out, dipshit! no dairy queen for you! in fact, you can walk home

#3. You’re gonna get your heart broken-again!

Sorry, but the smart money says that you’re doomed.

See, first you’re gonna meet someone and fall in love. And it’s gonna be great!

fuck yes!

And then she’s gonna leave you a broken hollow husk of a person. Don’t worry though! I’m not about to leave you bummed out. See, time will heal those wounds and you’ll realize that it would have never worked out anyhow. Soon, you’ll have made your peace with that relationship and be on your way to meeting someone new!

she's totally different. no way this will go wrong.

Right up until you discover what a castrating bitch this one turned out to be. Still, you man up and solider on, doing right by you and trying in earnest to find the good in others of the opposite sex.

Hard work and perserverance do pay off people. See, it’s in our hardships that we are truly defined. True love is not a gift, it is a hard-fought battle of hearts and souls. But being the brave solider you are, you will finally see the daylight break over your war-torn spirit.

please god no

That’s right boys and girls. The truth of the matter is that for your brief moments of happiness, you will invariably fuck things up and run screaming into the arms of the last person you should go near. Over and over and over.

hell is the impossibility of reason. and lohans

Happy dating!

#4. The inevitability of death!

Just a reminder. It’ll probably hurt a ton and be extremely embarrassing too.

say...anyone seen my belt? i left it right next to my dignity....

Have a great day out there, folks!