Well, fuck. The party’s over. After 27 or so years of drinking, jackassery and whoring around ,all my comrades who once applauded my efforts are gone. What was once the boomtown of  early 20′s hedonism is now a ghost town of tumbleweeds; the Pussyhound Saloon closed long ago and Doc Sirosis’ General Store packed up and left town.

What I’m trying to say is that all my buddies are getting married and I swear to god it is the most depressing thing ever. But as we all know, one must always maintain a proper appearance at such occasions. So here you have it:

Everything You Need To Know About Weddings!

#1. Should I Take My Penis Out?

This is a tough one. Ultimately, the answer is “yes,” but you have to approach the situation with a little tact. Consider the ethnicity of the families…are they Jewish? Greek? Russian? Poor?

dinosaurs?

The rich cultural heritage of the two parties is the determining factor of when the appropriate time to wave your dick around. It’s suggested that you find an elder of the family (Grandmother, etc) and politely enquire during am easygoing moment of downtime, preferably the vows.

Start simple: “Why Mrs. Jackblowski, that’s a lovely dress! They do look lovely up there, don’t they… is this your first wedding for these kids? I mean, do they party? You know what I’m talking about? These things get pretty fucking wild don’t they? Eh? Eh?!”

it's like the arc of the covenant...you can't look right at it. yo.

Try to pick up simple context clues that will lead you to know whether you should start drunkenly assaulting the Maids of Honor with your cock before or after the chicken dance. Trust me, this is a rookie faux pas you can easily avoid by simple observation and interrogation.

make sure these are tears of joy instead of tears of disappointment that you pulled your dick out too soon

#2. Gifts! The gifts that keep on giving!

We all know that weddings are just an excuse to have people who kinda sorta like each other get some tax breaks. But hey, if you’re gonna go for it, go big! How about you throw in a free toaster and linen basket with that holy matrimony, hoss?

So yes, there’s the registry to think about. Now you can go ahead and get what the bride and groom have requested from Target or Bed Bath and Beyond or whatever lame shit they decide on. Hey, while you’re at it why not just take a shit in a box and send that to them with no wrapping paper? Because that’s what it says to people when you just get them what they tell you to. It says “you’re a terrible friend. You will never get a Christmas card from us.“

Do you have Christmas in France? Christ-MAAAAAAS.

And folks, I live for the Holidays. So it’s time to plus this shit up by providing them with things they never  knew  they wanted/ existed.

Try something thoughtful like:

Child Leashes! For the Kids They Will Never Love!

fun fact: not my kid

Ayahuasca! Because Who Doesn’t Need To Trip Their Fucking Face Off Now And Again?

i am the lizard king..

An Ostritch! Holy Shit!

give this to your wife

#3. Open bar? How much is too much never enough?

I’m convinced the only reason people get married in the first place is because someone convinced their buddy to spend the rest of his life with someone else so that dude could get completely hammered on their bill for a day.

God bless whoever that wonderful caveman was.

Billions of years later, we’ve evolved as a species to discover many a wonderful thing like the CAT Scan and goatse. But our innate desire to drink our mass in Johnny Walker and puke our $70 a plate veal over rented shoes prevails. So remember:

• Don’t drink before the wedding- It’s tough, but the point here is to make sure that you can consume as much free booze as humanly possible. Being half in the bag is being destined for failure.
• If you have to drink before the wedding- Who are we kidding, I don’t even contemplate getting out of bed before I’ve had a mason jar of Jameson. Besides, you’re no good to anyone as a Best Man if you’re doing the DT shuffle. What if you feel the spontaneous need to have an explosive whiskey shit in the middle of the vows? What if it’s a Catholic ceremony and you’re up there for eight hours? In these situations, it’s perfectly applicable to pack a flask (for medicinal purposes).
• If you’re already drunk- Then I bet dollars to donuts you can’t even read this, nor is drinking too much remotely a concern. Godspeed, Uncle Larry. Glad to see you discovered the internet.

#4. Emotional Instability! More Like, Emotional Instab-gonna-pork-you-while-you’re-quietly-crying-tability, Amirite?

Finally, the coup de grace. While attending weddings in your late 20′s may make a  refined bachelor such as myself quietly reflect on exactly what he wants out of his life, it sure a shit doesn’t do that to the fairer sex.

Weddings  are an emotionally charged powder keg where depression, biological clocks and booze meet up in one awesome explosion or whatthefuckery. Chances are you’ll get laid. They even made a movie about dudes who go to weddings specifically for that purpose and it was box office gold.

picture unrelated

Now if you’re waiting for me to make a bunch of crude sexual jokes about women being weak and basically flat-out advocate  date rape, that’s actually where I would draw the line in this article…

LOVE ME! LOVE MY BAGGAGE!

…Just saying, though. You’re chances are pretty up there if you play your cards right. Hell, even if you play your cards wrong, your chances are better than any other typical Saturday you’d spend getting plastered at the local Shoney’s.